I find it difficult to trust people. I just can't see how anyone else can take care of me better than I can. I've been untrustworthy and I've felt the backlash from untrustworthy people. Sometimes I feel like a dog that has been kicked too many times. I try to believe that people can be trusted but I flinch every time someone makes a sudden move. This feeling tends to color my relationship with God as well. I make my own plans and tell God how things are going to go, because of course I have my own best interests in mind and he might not. I know my hopes and dreams, I know what I want and how I want it. But every time I start telling God how my life is supposed to look, he takes everything and turns it upside-down. He sends me in a totally different direction. And as I reflect on where I've been so far, his plans have always worked out better than my own ever would have. I still question his every move...wondering when that kick is going to come, that moment that proves I was right all along and he isn't as trustworthy as I had hoped. Yet God doesn't fail, he never flinches from the questions, he stands firm despite my scrutiny and fulfills the promises he has made.
"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11
This is a popular verse when people question the journey. But there is more to it than that. People never seem to look at the next verses, but they mean more to me than that verse by itself.
"'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:12-13
Verse 11 contains a promise that God has it under control. He has a plan and knows what it is but the promises in verses 12 and 13 give me more peace, and allow me to trust a little more. To know that God listens to me. He cares about me enough to actually listen. Because of this promise, I know that if I seek him with all of my heart I will find him. He has never failed to back up any of his promises. In the midst of change, in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of endings and beginnings, in the midst of questions, in the midst of life, all I need to do is seek him and I will find him. And his promises don't end there.
"Delight yourself in the Lord; And he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him , and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5
He promises to give me the desires of my heart. Which means that He knows the desires of my heart. The God of the universe promises that if I commit my way to Him- if I seek Him- He has a plan for my life, that includes the desires of my Heart. What is there to fear? What is there to worry about? What is there to question? God has it in his very capable hands. He has a plan, he knows my desires, and all I have to do is commit my way to him, to trust him, and to seek him. God doesn't expect me to give up the things that mean the most to me and for some reason that makes it easier to trust him. I find myself looking at God and saying, "I'm ready. I don't know what will happen or how things will work out, but I'm ready to seek and find you. I'm ready to commit and to trust that you have a plan that includes the desires of my heart. I'm ready for wherever you lead me."
So with that attitude, I don't know what the next year will look like but I'm ready to find out. I know it won't be easy but I'm committing myself, I'm seeking with all my heart, I'm learning to trust and I'm excited to see where God leads me and how his promises are fulfilled in my life.
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