I have never been able to strive for excellence. Commitment issues, I guess.
I have been blessed by God with enough smarts to get by without really ever trying. Maybe I would be different if that weren't the case. But because of that, I've never really had to work hard for any of my classes. Sure, I had to do the basics in all of my classes, but the basics got me by. I got mostly A's and a few B's here and there, but I never had any desire to work harder so I was ok with that. I didn't strive for excellence, I strove for mediocrity and solidly hit that mark.
I always thought it was a choice that I made. I thought that it was because I didn't care, I didn't want it, I didn't need it, so I didn't try for it. Now I'm beginning to think it's less of a choice and more of a lifestyle that I've created for myself. And I don't know how to change that. When it was a choice to be mediocre instead of excellent, I always knew that when I really wanted to, when I was ready for it, when I cared enough, I could decide to be excellent. Whenever I started something believing that this would be the moment, this would be the time when I would be excellent, it would last a few weeks...or maybe a few days and then be over with. But I just told myself that I didn't care about it. I "chose" not to be excellent at it. Now I'm realizing that just isn't true.
The truth is, I don't know how to be excellent. I don't even know where to begin. How do I commit myself to something and strive for excellence? How do I stick with it long enough to give myself the chance to get to excellence instead of stopping at mediocrity? And what is holding me back? There are so many things I've tried over the years, so many things I could have tried to be excellent at....yet here I sit, just "ok" at a lot of things.
What's funny is that all of this has been bouncing around in my head because of a challenge presented to me by one of my friends. Run a half-marathon with her in May. That gives me 7 months to get to the point where I can run 13 miles. That's more than enough time, right? I have a goal, I have a plan, I can do this, I can strive for excellence in this area....or not. A week into the plan and I was ready to quit. I started making excuses. I've never been a runner. I'm not built to be a runner. Genetics are against me. My legs being different lengths makes it too hard. And besides, I don't want to run that far. I never wanted to run that far.
Yet, here I sit, wondering when I will get over this. What I need to do to get over this. It's not even about running the half-marathon at this point. Whether I do or I don't, doesn't matter. What matters is if I will ever get over this block and be able to strive for excellence. Because God asks me to give him my all. And that will require striving for excellence.
"And He said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment." Matthew 22:37-38
It doesn't say, "with part of your heart, and a little bit of your soul, and as much of your mind as you feel like." It says, "with ALL". All requires more than mediocrity. It requires excellence. I won't get there in a day and I know that. But I want to strive for that. I want to be able to say that I strove to love the LORD my God with everything in me...not with just a part of me. I know it will be worth what God has in store for me. And maybe someday, I will understand why excellence is so difficult for me. Maybe someday I will run a half-marathon. Maybe someday I will love God with everything in me. Maybe someday I will get past striving for mediocrity and start striving for excellence.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Frustration
I can't ever remember being so frustrated with students before. It's as if they don't listen. It's as if they don't care. It's as if they expect everything to be done for them. Oh wait.....that's exactly how they feel.
I realize they are only 9, but that doesn't mean they can just sit their and be waited on hand and foot. I'm so incredibly tired of being asked a question about something that I've already explained 3 times. If anyone cared to listen, they would know what they are supposed to do. I hate explaining something and then repeating those same instructions to every kid in class, one person at a time.
And no I will not answer the question for you. It's a test! Figure it out yourself! It's shocking that a problem that they have seen at least 3 times before can suddenly confound them when they see it on a test. But I can't subtract 6 from 0. What am I supposed to do? Borrowing? What is this crazy concept you are talking about? I've never heard about it before!
Not to mention the student who is in a race to complete his test before everyone else. He turns it in, covered in scribbles, which I waded through to grade. 10/27 points. Epic fail! Yet, when he retakes the test, sitting right next to me, without any help at all....he aced it. 27/27. 100%. Why is it impossible for him to focus for 20 minutes and do it correctly the first time around? It frustrates me that he knows how to do it. He just won't.
By the time a student hits 3rd grade they should be able to copy words without having spelling issues or even mixing up lines. We wrote Haikus yesterday. Great Haikus. Beautiful Haikus. Yet somewhere between the piece of paper where everything was written correctly, had the correct spelling, and the right number of syllables per line and the poster that they were copying them to, chaos happened. Lines got switched around, one girl had the 7 syllable line first even though it was obviously written second on here paper. Words were suddenly misspelled. Syllables were added or deleted. How hard can it be to copy something word for word from a paper to a poster? Apparently it is as hard for them as they would find physics. And that's not the only place they have trouble with copying from 1 thing to another. On the same freaking page!! A singular noun is given and the have to make it plural. On the line right next to the word. But what actually happens is a lot of misspelled words and half of them aren't plural. Why is it so difficult? I should not have to make the assignment idiot proof for them to complete it. It's already too easy. I could write the answers to a test on the board for them to write on their paper and half the class would still fail the test!
The worst part about this frustration? It's only October. I still have 7 more months with these students and I don't see it getting any better. If you see me beating my head against a wall, just let me be. I will either get it out of my system or cause enough brain damage that I won't have to deal with it anymore.
I realize they are only 9, but that doesn't mean they can just sit their and be waited on hand and foot. I'm so incredibly tired of being asked a question about something that I've already explained 3 times. If anyone cared to listen, they would know what they are supposed to do. I hate explaining something and then repeating those same instructions to every kid in class, one person at a time.
And no I will not answer the question for you. It's a test! Figure it out yourself! It's shocking that a problem that they have seen at least 3 times before can suddenly confound them when they see it on a test. But I can't subtract 6 from 0. What am I supposed to do? Borrowing? What is this crazy concept you are talking about? I've never heard about it before!
Not to mention the student who is in a race to complete his test before everyone else. He turns it in, covered in scribbles, which I waded through to grade. 10/27 points. Epic fail! Yet, when he retakes the test, sitting right next to me, without any help at all....he aced it. 27/27. 100%. Why is it impossible for him to focus for 20 minutes and do it correctly the first time around? It frustrates me that he knows how to do it. He just won't.
By the time a student hits 3rd grade they should be able to copy words without having spelling issues or even mixing up lines. We wrote Haikus yesterday. Great Haikus. Beautiful Haikus. Yet somewhere between the piece of paper where everything was written correctly, had the correct spelling, and the right number of syllables per line and the poster that they were copying them to, chaos happened. Lines got switched around, one girl had the 7 syllable line first even though it was obviously written second on here paper. Words were suddenly misspelled. Syllables were added or deleted. How hard can it be to copy something word for word from a paper to a poster? Apparently it is as hard for them as they would find physics. And that's not the only place they have trouble with copying from 1 thing to another. On the same freaking page!! A singular noun is given and the have to make it plural. On the line right next to the word. But what actually happens is a lot of misspelled words and half of them aren't plural. Why is it so difficult? I should not have to make the assignment idiot proof for them to complete it. It's already too easy. I could write the answers to a test on the board for them to write on their paper and half the class would still fail the test!
The worst part about this frustration? It's only October. I still have 7 more months with these students and I don't see it getting any better. If you see me beating my head against a wall, just let me be. I will either get it out of my system or cause enough brain damage that I won't have to deal with it anymore.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Writing Poetry
My deep philosophical thought for this...decade I guess, is that love is like writing poetry. No seriously, go with me on this one, just for a minute.
Remember back in grade school when your assignment was to write poetry of some kind? Whether it was a haiku, an acrostic, a couplet, or a sonnet, the moment you were required to write one, you couldn't. The problem wasn't always coming up with things to say. It was making what you had to say fit into a specific form. In the same way, love can't be forced to fit a certain mold. The moment you are expected to provide it, you are unable to do so. It's not that you can't love, the problem is making it fit the expectations. It doesn't ever look the same, and expecting love to always be a perfect 5-7-5 haiku is naive.
Poetry writing is also hard to force. Sometimes it's there and it flows out of you creating something unique and beautiful. Other times, you sit staring at a blank page for hours on end without anything coming out. Trying to force poetry will only cause frustration. Similarly, love can't be forced. Nor should it be. When it's there, it will flow out of you and create something unique and beautiful. Trying to force love can only bring frustration.
Writing poetry isn't a surface hobby. Poetry can be simple, light and fun, but there is always an underlying deeper emotion. Poetry is best, is most meaningful, when it comes from deep within your soul. Love isn't a surface emotion. It can be simple, light and fun, but it is only real when it comes from deep within you.
Poetry exposes you. Because poetry comes from within you, it exposes part of who you are every time you write something. Poetry isn't about hiding, it's not about being on your own, it's not meant to be kept to yourself. Love also exposes you. Loving people isn't about hiding, it's not about being alone, and it certainly isn't meant to be kept to yourself.
Writing poetry is a lot like love. It doesn't always happen when you want it to. But when inspiration hits, when love comes, it can't be stopped. You might wait days, months, or even years. But just like the paper is always ready to have something written on it, your heart will always be ready to be invaded by love.
Remember back in grade school when your assignment was to write poetry of some kind? Whether it was a haiku, an acrostic, a couplet, or a sonnet, the moment you were required to write one, you couldn't. The problem wasn't always coming up with things to say. It was making what you had to say fit into a specific form. In the same way, love can't be forced to fit a certain mold. The moment you are expected to provide it, you are unable to do so. It's not that you can't love, the problem is making it fit the expectations. It doesn't ever look the same, and expecting love to always be a perfect 5-7-5 haiku is naive.
Poetry writing is also hard to force. Sometimes it's there and it flows out of you creating something unique and beautiful. Other times, you sit staring at a blank page for hours on end without anything coming out. Trying to force poetry will only cause frustration. Similarly, love can't be forced. Nor should it be. When it's there, it will flow out of you and create something unique and beautiful. Trying to force love can only bring frustration.
Writing poetry isn't a surface hobby. Poetry can be simple, light and fun, but there is always an underlying deeper emotion. Poetry is best, is most meaningful, when it comes from deep within your soul. Love isn't a surface emotion. It can be simple, light and fun, but it is only real when it comes from deep within you.
Poetry exposes you. Because poetry comes from within you, it exposes part of who you are every time you write something. Poetry isn't about hiding, it's not about being on your own, it's not meant to be kept to yourself. Love also exposes you. Loving people isn't about hiding, it's not about being alone, and it certainly isn't meant to be kept to yourself.
Writing poetry is a lot like love. It doesn't always happen when you want it to. But when inspiration hits, when love comes, it can't be stopped. You might wait days, months, or even years. But just like the paper is always ready to have something written on it, your heart will always be ready to be invaded by love.
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