All.... or Nothing....

All is scary
All is hard
All is demanding
All can fail
All can break
All is risky
All is vulnerable
All hurts
All expects
All consumes

Nothing is comfortable
Nothing is easy
Nothing doesn't ask for anything
Nothing can't fail
Nothing never risks
Nothing doesn't break
Nothing has no expectations
Nothing is safe

All dreams
All succeeds
All can fly
All is worth it
All hopes
All believes
All knows joy
All loves
All realizes

Nothing never dreams
Nothing never succeeds
Nothing hurts
Nothing consumes
Nothing never believes
Nothing doesn't know love
Nothing never knows joy
Nothing knows failure
Nothing never realizes

All....or Nothing...

The best laid plans...

I find it difficult to trust people. I just can't see how anyone else can take care of me better than I can. I've been untrustworthy and I've felt the backlash from untrustworthy people. Sometimes I feel like a dog that has been kicked too many times. I try to believe that people can be trusted but I flinch every time someone makes a sudden move. This feeling tends to color my relationship with God as well. I make my own plans and tell God how things are going to go, because of course I have my own best interests in mind and he might not. I know my hopes and dreams, I know what I want and how I want it. But every time I start telling God how my life is supposed to look, he takes everything and turns it upside-down. He sends me in a totally different direction. And as I reflect on where I've been so far, his plans have always worked out better than my own ever would have. I still question his every move...wondering when that kick is going to come, that moment that proves I was right all along and he isn't as trustworthy as I had hoped. Yet God doesn't fail, he never flinches from the questions, he stands firm despite my scrutiny and fulfills the promises he has made. 

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11

This is a popular verse when people question the journey. But there is more to it than that. People never seem to look at the next verses, but they mean more to me than that verse by itself. 

"'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:12-13

Verse 11 contains a promise that God has it under control. He has a plan and knows what it is but the promises in verses 12 and 13 give me more peace, and allow me to trust a little more. To know that God listens to me. He cares about me enough to actually listen. Because of this promise, I know that if I seek him with all of my heart I will find him. He has never failed to back up any of his promises. In the midst of change, in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of endings and beginnings, in the midst of questions, in the midst of life, all I need to do is seek him and I will find him. And his promises don't end there.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; And he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him , and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5

He promises to give me the desires of my heart. Which means that He knows the desires of my heart. The God of the universe promises that if I commit my way to Him- if I seek Him- He has a plan for my life, that includes the desires of my Heart. What is there to fear? What is there to worry about? What is there to question? God has it in his very capable hands. He has a plan, he knows my desires, and all I have to do is commit my way to him, to trust him, and to seek him. God doesn't expect me to give up the things that mean the most to me and for some reason that makes it easier to trust him. I find myself looking at God and saying, "I'm ready. I don't know what will happen or how things will work out, but I'm ready to seek and find you. I'm ready to commit and to trust that you have a plan that includes the desires of my heart. I'm ready for wherever you lead me."

So with that attitude, I don't know what the next year will look like but I'm ready to find out. I know it won't be easy but I'm committing myself, I'm seeking with all my heart, I'm learning to trust and I'm excited to see where God leads me and how his promises are fulfilled in my life.      

Unwanted Answers

Have you ever prayed for something for a long time with no reply? Waited and waited for an answer with only silence? And then, when the answer finally comes, you start explaining how that isn't what you wanted? That's where I found myself this morning.

I've been praying for an interview/job all summer. Now that may not seem like a long time to you, but to me it has been an eternity. I've applied for positions all across the state and even in other states. And I haven't heard a thing from anyone. Not even a form letter or email saying, "Thank you for applying but we have filled this position." I realize that they are busy and have probably waded through more applications than they know what to do with, but when you are sitting on this end of it...it's like waiting for your birthday without the joy of presents to make up for all of the waiting!

It has gotten to the point where I've started applying for jobs without even considering them beyond whether or not I'm qualified for it. At the end of the school year, I told everyone I know that I would never teach 3rd grade or above. I'm made for Kindergarten. I love teaching Kindergarten. My perfect job in a perfect world would be to teach Kindergarten. But in the past month I've applied for every position I can which has included 3rd-6th grade positions. Having gone this long without hearing from any school district, I figured nothing would come of it.

I also have very specific opinions on where I would like to live. I don't want to work in a big city like Wichita or Kansas City. One of the suburbs wouldn't be terrible, but definitely not in the middle of the city! On the other hand, I don't want to work in a small town either. Can you imagine living in a town of 1,000 people or less? What on earth would you do to fill your free time? And how weird would it be to know or be known by everyone in town? That's way too much pressure for me! A town the size of Manhattan would be perfect for me, though I've applied for jobs in towns of every shape and size. Of course, I made sure that God was well aware of what I wanted. But I never stopped to seriously consider that his plan might not be the same as mine.

So here I am having prayed all summer for an interview/job. A chance to prove to somebody, anybody that I'm worthwhile. I can be a great teacher if you just give me a chance. I'm made for big things, I can just feel it! So when the phone call that I've been waiting for finally came this morning you would think that I would have been excited. Jumping up and down with joy. Here is my big chance. I can finally prove to someone that I can be a great teacher. I can get a job that won't require me to move home with my parents (though I do love my parents very much!). Not me though. Nope, as soon as I got off the phone I began to berate God. "This isn't what I wanted. This really can't be part of your plan for my life. Why on earth did I apply for the position in the first place? We talked about this God, you know which position I want. Why can't you just give me that one?" As usually happens in these situations, God started bringing to mind verses about thankfulness. 

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6-7

I let my requests be known to God but I sure didn't do it with thanksgiving. And I didn't give thanks when I got that phone call this morning. As I prepare for my interview tomorrow, I will also be preparing my heart for whatever God's will might be. I will be giving thanks in everything, and I will do my best to let the peace of God that passes all understanding guard my heart. I will be working to let go of my wants and desires so that I can see more clearly what God desires for me...even if that means teaching 3rd grade in a town of 400 people.