For the past few months I have been dealing with some medical issues. Mainly unexplainable weight loss. I have been to the doctor and had multiple tests run but so far nothing has been figured out. And I'm still losing weight. Now that could partially be explained by the amount of running I've been doing, but I don't think that is everything. Honestly though, the weight loss doesn't bother me. It has never really bothered me. My parents are worried (my dad keeps looking at me like he might never see me again), my grandparents are worried, my friends are worried, but I'm not worried. For a while I thought that was ok. I kept patting myself on the back for not being worried. Worry is a sin and my personal philosophy has always been that I can't change it by worrying so why waste my time. In the past week though I've realized that it isn't a good thing. The not worrying is great, the not caring is not so healthy.

See, here's the problem. I really don't care. I am completely apathetic about the whole thing. If they figure it out, ok. If I die of some weird disease, ok. If I have to live the rest of my life on some strange diet, ok. If I don't actually follow that diet, ok. None of it affects me in any way. That's a perfect picture of how I view my life. If I have a job, ok. If I don't, ok. If I get married someday, ok. If I don't, ok. If I run a half-marathon, ok. If I don't, ok. If I live my life in love with my God, ok. If I don't, ok. And that's where the problem is. How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who has given everything for me? How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who created me? How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who I've loved and lived for my entire life? And what happened that brought me to this place? When did I stop caring about my life? When did I stop caring about myself? And how do I change that? How do I love myself and life enough to be bothered by what I'm becoming, both spiritually and physically?  

Empty

I am empty
there is nothing left

No joy
No pain
No laughter
No tears
No anger
No fear
No hopes
No dreams
No future
No past
No beginning
No end
No love
No hate
No drive
No hunger
No desire
No life

I am empty
there is nothing left

For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My Brethren, these things ought not to be this way. James 3:7-10


"But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Treat others the same way you want them to treat you." Luke 6:27-31


"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon and you will be pardoned." Luke 6:36-37


Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:25-26


Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. Ephesians 4:29-5:2


I need to read this every day for the rest of my life. I need to be reminded over and over again how I should speak to those around me. I need God to mute me more often than I care to admit. I need to think before I speak. To respond in love and not hate. To tame my tongue. To not give the devil any opportunities. To be an imitator of God. To walk in love. To be merciful. To not judge. To not condemn. To pray for those around me. I need to read this every day for the rest of my life in the hopes that it will become so ingrained in me, that I will react as God would have me react and not as my sinful nature begs to react.

Striving for Excellence

I have never been able to strive for excellence. Commitment issues, I guess.

I have been blessed by God with enough smarts to get by without really ever trying. Maybe I would be different if that weren't the case. But because of that, I've never really had to work hard for any of my classes. Sure, I had to do the basics in all of my classes, but the basics got me by. I got mostly A's and a few B's here and there, but I never had any desire to work harder so I was ok with that. I didn't strive for excellence, I strove for mediocrity and solidly hit that mark.     

I always thought it was a choice that I made. I thought that it was because I didn't care, I didn't want it, I didn't need it, so I didn't try for it. Now I'm beginning to think it's less of a choice and more of a lifestyle that I've created for myself. And I don't know how to change that. When it was a choice to be mediocre instead of excellent, I always knew that when I really wanted to, when I was ready for it, when I cared enough, I could decide to be excellent. Whenever I started something believing that this would be the moment, this would be the time when I would be excellent, it would last a few weeks...or maybe a few days and then be over with. But I just told myself that I didn't care about it. I "chose" not to be excellent at it. Now I'm realizing that just isn't true.

The truth is, I don't know how to be excellent. I don't even know where to begin. How do I commit myself to something and strive for excellence? How do I stick with it long enough to give myself the chance to get to excellence instead of stopping at mediocrity? And what is holding me back? There are so many things I've tried over the years, so many things I could have tried to be excellent at....yet here I sit, just "ok" at a lot of things.

What's funny is that all of this has been bouncing around in my head because of a challenge presented to me by one of my friends. Run a half-marathon with her in May. That gives me 7 months to get to the point where I can run 13 miles. That's more than enough time, right? I have a goal, I have a plan, I can do this, I can strive for excellence in this area....or not. A week into the plan and I was ready to quit. I started making excuses. I've never been a runner. I'm not built to be a runner. Genetics are against me. My legs being different lengths makes it too hard. And besides, I don't want to run that far. I never wanted to run that far.

Yet, here I sit, wondering when I will get over this. What I need to do to get over this. It's not even about running the half-marathon at this point. Whether I do or I don't, doesn't matter. What matters is if I will ever get over this block and be able to strive for excellence. Because God asks me to give him my all. And that will require striving for excellence.

"And He said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

It doesn't say, "with part of your heart, and a little bit of your soul, and as much of your mind as you feel like." It says, "with ALL". All requires more than mediocrity. It requires excellence. I won't get there in a day and I know that. But I want to strive for that. I want to be able to say that I strove to love the LORD my God with everything in me...not with just a part of me. I know it will be worth what God has in store for me.  And maybe someday, I will understand why excellence is so difficult for me. Maybe someday I will run a half-marathon. Maybe someday I will love God with everything in me. Maybe someday I will get past striving for mediocrity and start striving for excellence.

   

Frustration

I can't ever remember being so frustrated with students before. It's as if they don't listen. It's as if they don't care. It's as if they expect everything to be done for them. Oh wait.....that's exactly how they feel.

I realize they are only 9, but that doesn't mean they can just sit their and be waited on hand and foot. I'm so incredibly tired of being asked a question about something that I've already explained 3 times. If anyone cared to listen, they would know what they are supposed to do. I hate explaining something and then repeating those same instructions to every kid in class, one person at a time.

And no I will not answer the question for you. It's a test! Figure it out yourself! It's shocking that a problem that they have seen at least 3 times before can suddenly confound them when they see it on a test. But I can't subtract 6 from 0. What am I supposed to do? Borrowing? What is this crazy concept you are talking about? I've never heard about it before!

Not to mention the student who is in a race to complete his test before everyone else. He turns it in, covered in scribbles, which I waded through to grade. 10/27 points. Epic fail! Yet, when he retakes the test, sitting right next to me, without any help at all....he aced it. 27/27. 100%. Why is it impossible for him to focus for 20 minutes and do it correctly the first time around? It frustrates me that he knows how to do it. He just won't.

By the time a student hits 3rd grade they should be able to copy words without having spelling issues or even mixing up lines. We wrote Haikus yesterday. Great Haikus. Beautiful Haikus. Yet somewhere between the piece of paper where everything was written correctly, had the correct spelling, and the right number of syllables per line and the poster that they were copying them to, chaos happened. Lines got switched around, one girl had the 7 syllable line first even though it was obviously written second on here paper. Words were suddenly misspelled. Syllables were added or deleted. How hard can it be to copy something word for word from a paper to a poster? Apparently it is as hard for them as they would find physics. And that's not the only place they have trouble with copying from 1 thing to another. On the same freaking page!! A singular noun is given and the have to make it plural. On the line right next to the word. But what actually happens is a lot of misspelled words and half of them aren't plural. Why is it so difficult? I should not have to make the assignment idiot proof for them to complete it. It's already too easy. I could write the answers to a test on the board for them to write on their paper and half the class would still fail the test! 

The worst part about this frustration? It's only October. I still have 7 more months with these students and I don't see it getting any better. If you see me beating my head against a wall, just let me be. I will either get it out of my system or cause enough brain damage that I won't have to deal with it anymore.

Writing Poetry

My deep philosophical thought for this...decade I guess, is that love is like writing poetry. No seriously, go with me on this one, just for a minute.

Remember back in grade school when your assignment was to write poetry of some kind? Whether it was a haiku, an acrostic, a couplet, or a sonnet, the moment you were required to write one, you couldn't. The problem wasn't always coming up with things to say. It was making what you had to say fit into a specific form. In the same way, love can't be forced to fit a certain mold. The moment you are expected to provide it, you are unable to do so. It's not that you can't love, the problem is making it fit the expectations. It doesn't ever look the same, and expecting love to always be a perfect 5-7-5 haiku is naive.

Poetry writing is also hard to force. Sometimes it's there and it flows out of you creating something unique and beautiful. Other times, you sit staring at a blank page for hours on end without anything coming out. Trying to force poetry will only cause frustration. Similarly, love can't be forced. Nor should it be. When it's there, it will flow out of you and create something unique and beautiful. Trying to force love can only bring frustration.

Writing poetry isn't a surface hobby. Poetry can be simple, light and fun, but there is always an underlying deeper emotion. Poetry is best, is most meaningful, when it comes from deep within your soul. Love isn't a surface emotion. It can be simple, light and fun, but it is only real when it comes from deep within you.

Poetry exposes you. Because poetry comes from within you, it exposes part of who you are every time you write something. Poetry isn't about hiding, it's not about being on your own, it's not meant to be kept to yourself. Love also exposes you. Loving people isn't about hiding, it's not about being alone, and it certainly isn't meant to be kept to yourself.

Writing poetry is a lot like love. It doesn't always happen when you want it to. But when inspiration hits, when love comes, it can't be stopped. You might wait days, months, or even years. But just like the paper is always ready to have something written on it, your heart will always be ready to be invaded by love. 

Hope

Hope is such a weird thing. You can't live without hope, yet so often it bites you in the end. You try to guard against it, yet it steals in. You wake up one day and there it is, having taken up residence in your life, while you were busy doing other things. You get used to it, even begin to welcome it. Because we can't live without hope.

Hope is such a weird thing. It never looks at the facts. Never takes into account any obstacle. Nothing is impossible for hope. Reality tries to convince it otherwise. But hope never falters. It continues on the same path, never looking to one side or the other. Never looking back, it only looks ahead. Even when reality hits you like a brick wall to the face, hope is still there. Still hoping.

Hope is such a weird thing. Nothing can bring joy faster than hopes being realized. Nothing can bring tears faster than hopes being crushed. And you find yourself asking if it is worth it or not. Is it worth the pain just for the possible? But then again, without hope, you would never experience joy in the same way. You can't live without hope, yet how often would we like to do just that?