For the past few months I have been dealing with some medical issues. Mainly unexplainable weight loss. I have been to the doctor and had multiple tests run but so far nothing has been figured out. And I'm still losing weight. Now that could partially be explained by the amount of running I've been doing, but I don't think that is everything. Honestly though, the weight loss doesn't bother me. It has never really bothered me. My parents are worried (my dad keeps looking at me like he might never see me again), my grandparents are worried, my friends are worried, but I'm not worried. For a while I thought that was ok. I kept patting myself on the back for not being worried. Worry is a sin and my personal philosophy has always been that I can't change it by worrying so why waste my time. In the past week though I've realized that it isn't a good thing. The not worrying is great, the not caring is not so healthy.

See, here's the problem. I really don't care. I am completely apathetic about the whole thing. If they figure it out, ok. If I die of some weird disease, ok. If I have to live the rest of my life on some strange diet, ok. If I don't actually follow that diet, ok. None of it affects me in any way. That's a perfect picture of how I view my life. If I have a job, ok. If I don't, ok. If I get married someday, ok. If I don't, ok. If I run a half-marathon, ok. If I don't, ok. If I live my life in love with my God, ok. If I don't, ok. And that's where the problem is. How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who has given everything for me? How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who created me? How can I be so apathetic about loving the God who I've loved and lived for my entire life? And what happened that brought me to this place? When did I stop caring about my life? When did I stop caring about myself? And how do I change that? How do I love myself and life enough to be bothered by what I'm becoming, both spiritually and physically?