Striving for Excellence

I have never been able to strive for excellence. Commitment issues, I guess.

I have been blessed by God with enough smarts to get by without really ever trying. Maybe I would be different if that weren't the case. But because of that, I've never really had to work hard for any of my classes. Sure, I had to do the basics in all of my classes, but the basics got me by. I got mostly A's and a few B's here and there, but I never had any desire to work harder so I was ok with that. I didn't strive for excellence, I strove for mediocrity and solidly hit that mark.     

I always thought it was a choice that I made. I thought that it was because I didn't care, I didn't want it, I didn't need it, so I didn't try for it. Now I'm beginning to think it's less of a choice and more of a lifestyle that I've created for myself. And I don't know how to change that. When it was a choice to be mediocre instead of excellent, I always knew that when I really wanted to, when I was ready for it, when I cared enough, I could decide to be excellent. Whenever I started something believing that this would be the moment, this would be the time when I would be excellent, it would last a few weeks...or maybe a few days and then be over with. But I just told myself that I didn't care about it. I "chose" not to be excellent at it. Now I'm realizing that just isn't true.

The truth is, I don't know how to be excellent. I don't even know where to begin. How do I commit myself to something and strive for excellence? How do I stick with it long enough to give myself the chance to get to excellence instead of stopping at mediocrity? And what is holding me back? There are so many things I've tried over the years, so many things I could have tried to be excellent at....yet here I sit, just "ok" at a lot of things.

What's funny is that all of this has been bouncing around in my head because of a challenge presented to me by one of my friends. Run a half-marathon with her in May. That gives me 7 months to get to the point where I can run 13 miles. That's more than enough time, right? I have a goal, I have a plan, I can do this, I can strive for excellence in this area....or not. A week into the plan and I was ready to quit. I started making excuses. I've never been a runner. I'm not built to be a runner. Genetics are against me. My legs being different lengths makes it too hard. And besides, I don't want to run that far. I never wanted to run that far.

Yet, here I sit, wondering when I will get over this. What I need to do to get over this. It's not even about running the half-marathon at this point. Whether I do or I don't, doesn't matter. What matters is if I will ever get over this block and be able to strive for excellence. Because God asks me to give him my all. And that will require striving for excellence.

"And He said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

It doesn't say, "with part of your heart, and a little bit of your soul, and as much of your mind as you feel like." It says, "with ALL". All requires more than mediocrity. It requires excellence. I won't get there in a day and I know that. But I want to strive for that. I want to be able to say that I strove to love the LORD my God with everything in me...not with just a part of me. I know it will be worth what God has in store for me.  And maybe someday, I will understand why excellence is so difficult for me. Maybe someday I will run a half-marathon. Maybe someday I will love God with everything in me. Maybe someday I will get past striving for mediocrity and start striving for excellence.